Matty's Journal
My friend Matt keeps a livejournal that I didn't know about...
We don't keep in touch like we should, especially considering the sordid history that is our friendship.
I paged back through the past several months of his writing... and it reminded me of something that at one time hurt me in a way I could never get him to understand. He could talk for hours and days about how no one would ever love him for who he is, and relationships never work with him because the other person is never willing to commit to him, give everything they had to be with him... no one would think about him night and day and want nothing more than to be content with him. All the while I was standing in front of him with a fist full of romance and doing everything I could to show him that I was EXACTLY the person he was looking for. At the time, *I* thought about him night and day. I sent him cards and gifts and talked to him as often as I could... would get downright giddy when he would grace me with a phone call from Wisconsin. I went to great lengths to plan a spring break trip for him that turned out to be one of the most amazing vacations I have ever had. (Check the link and see the cemetaries, architecture, and flowers pages for some of the pics.)
All the while, he was simultaneously telling me that he wasn't ready for a relationship, and dating someone at school.
I think it is a universal truth that we are never more parched than when we are standing in a river.
A couple of weeks before Matt came to live with me for that summer in Berkeley, I met UncleMonkeyBoy. UMB always seemed worried that he was the 'rebound' from Matt... and Matt always seemed to think that since I could get into a relationship with UMB so soon after him (whatever our relationship was) that I must not have really cared about him. They were both misguided in their concerns.
Matt made it clear that he couldn't see me as a partner. UMB entered my life at the exact moment that I let go of Matt. It was not that I cared any less about him, just that I could no longer afford to focus the attention on him that I once had. This caused a lot of tension in my place that summer. Matt was convinced that I was being callous and that I lied to him when I said that my intentions were noble and unselfish. What he didn't understand at the time is that like all other things in nature, all elements of a situation will eventually attempt to return to a state of equilibrium. I could no long give everything that I had without getting anything in return, not because I was selfish, but because I had nothing left to give. It was all yang, no yin. I was like a 9 Volt, hanging on until well after the low-battery indicator light begged to be dealt with.
It's been over 2 years now since that road trip and UMB and I got together. For the most part our relationship is level. Perhaps lately I've been more selfish than I should, I chalk that up to being stressed about the job and living situation and business plan and all the other little things that seem to come up. We rarely fight (we've only ever had ONE *real* fight), and never stay mad at each other.
I often make a relationship analogous to a hand. If your hand is open, people are allowed to move freely back and forth, in and out of your life... when one leaves, another soon walks through. If you clench your hand into a fist, trying to hold on to the one that happens to be standing there, not only does that person struggle to get free, but everyone that is trying to get in is blocked.
It took me 27 years to learn how to apply that idea to my own life. This is my hope that my good friend Matt learns to keep an open hand.
We don't keep in touch like we should, especially considering the sordid history that is our friendship.
I paged back through the past several months of his writing... and it reminded me of something that at one time hurt me in a way I could never get him to understand. He could talk for hours and days about how no one would ever love him for who he is, and relationships never work with him because the other person is never willing to commit to him, give everything they had to be with him... no one would think about him night and day and want nothing more than to be content with him. All the while I was standing in front of him with a fist full of romance and doing everything I could to show him that I was EXACTLY the person he was looking for. At the time, *I* thought about him night and day. I sent him cards and gifts and talked to him as often as I could... would get downright giddy when he would grace me with a phone call from Wisconsin. I went to great lengths to plan a spring break trip for him that turned out to be one of the most amazing vacations I have ever had. (Check the link and see the cemetaries, architecture, and flowers pages for some of the pics.)
All the while, he was simultaneously telling me that he wasn't ready for a relationship, and dating someone at school.
I think it is a universal truth that we are never more parched than when we are standing in a river.
A couple of weeks before Matt came to live with me for that summer in Berkeley, I met UncleMonkeyBoy. UMB always seemed worried that he was the 'rebound' from Matt... and Matt always seemed to think that since I could get into a relationship with UMB so soon after him (whatever our relationship was) that I must not have really cared about him. They were both misguided in their concerns.
Matt made it clear that he couldn't see me as a partner. UMB entered my life at the exact moment that I let go of Matt. It was not that I cared any less about him, just that I could no longer afford to focus the attention on him that I once had. This caused a lot of tension in my place that summer. Matt was convinced that I was being callous and that I lied to him when I said that my intentions were noble and unselfish. What he didn't understand at the time is that like all other things in nature, all elements of a situation will eventually attempt to return to a state of equilibrium. I could no long give everything that I had without getting anything in return, not because I was selfish, but because I had nothing left to give. It was all yang, no yin. I was like a 9 Volt, hanging on until well after the low-battery indicator light begged to be dealt with.
It's been over 2 years now since that road trip and UMB and I got together. For the most part our relationship is level. Perhaps lately I've been more selfish than I should, I chalk that up to being stressed about the job and living situation and business plan and all the other little things that seem to come up. We rarely fight (we've only ever had ONE *real* fight), and never stay mad at each other.
I often make a relationship analogous to a hand. If your hand is open, people are allowed to move freely back and forth, in and out of your life... when one leaves, another soon walks through. If you clench your hand into a fist, trying to hold on to the one that happens to be standing there, not only does that person struggle to get free, but everyone that is trying to get in is blocked.
It took me 27 years to learn how to apply that idea to my own life. This is my hope that my good friend Matt learns to keep an open hand.
posted by Jester at
4:06 AM
1 Comments:
That is very deep thinking and true feelings coming through in your article, UMB needs to open his eyes and see the great and romantic man standing in front of him.
You have moved me like no one else ever could
By
Anonymous, at 11:32 AM
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